Posted by: LovelyAnomaly | March 23, 2009

I celebrate myself

I’m going to blog about something that will make all most of you hate me in 5, 4, 3…

2…

1…

I have lost 10 pounds in the last 3 months.  Ten pounds that I wasn’t trying to lose.  That I guess I really couldn’t afford to lose.

When unemployment, the holidays, a break-up, and winter join forces most normal people gain weight.  But if you haven’t figured out what my screen name means yet, this is just another example.

The thing is, when I look in the mirror I don’t see skinny.  I just see me.  I don’t notice the weight that I do or do not have.  I can’t comprehend what people see in me at the mall that causes them to whisper to one another, “She must have an eating disorder.”  I didn’t see what the girls saw in high school to make them call me anorexic or bulimic behind my back.  I just saw me.

I just don’t get it.  In these last three months, nothing has really changed.  My “diet” is still the same old gobs and gobs of food every two or three hours.  

But I know that other people notice the weight loss.  And I know what they’re thinking in their minds.  “She needs to eat another sandwich.”  I know the media glamorizes the tall and skinny, but in the real world it’s a different story–jealousy lurks in every shop and sidewalk.  

Why is that the case?  Again, when I look in the mirror I do not see how skinny my arms are or how thin my face is.  I just see me.  The girl inside with a quirky personality and general naivety towards the world.  And I like what I see.  

If you haven’t stopped reading and you don’t completely hate me yet… I guess my point is this:  I wish people would stop seeing one another as pounds or kilograms, but as genuine people with goals and desires, dreams and passions. We are all gorgeous and I wish we would just stop getting in the way of our true beauty.  

I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.

-Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

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Responses

  1. I wish I could see “me” when I look at myself in the mirror. For that, I applaud you and am happy that you can see yourself.

  2. I’ve got my own lovely not-rail-thin body issues, but I saw the other side of the coin growing up with my sister, who is 6’1″ and very thin. She has never been anorexic or abandoned her love for ice cream, but people definitely wondered (aloud and otherwise). It’s ridiculous. It’s no one’s business and it’s impossible to know someone’s situation by just looking at them.

    Bottom line: I think it’s really admirable and awesome that you’re in touch with the idea of “real beauty”…it’s definitely something I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to “get”…and that’s just kind of sad. How I wish higher education made everyone smarter in other ways ;)

  3. […] Original post by Lovely Anomaly […]

  4. I’ve been on both sides of the issue. Junior year, I lost 20 pounds without trying to, just because I completely lost my appetite. I actually didn’t notice because I saw myself every day, and didn’t even really take stock of the fact that my belt needed to be smaller by about three notches. I had a lot of people tell me I should eat more, but they usually did that when they saw how little I was eating in the cafeteria. I obviously don’t know what other people said behind my back. Fr. Tom did tell me that if I didn’t start eating more people would worry that I was anorexic, but he was half-joking. He just wanted me to eat because he knew I needed to even though he also knew I didn’t have an eating disorder. What did surprise me, though, is that as much as people noticed me not eating, no one actually confronted me about it. Maybe that was because everyone who was close to me knew that I didn’t have an eating disorder, and no one else felt close enough to confront me. I still wondered, though, how many people would whisper behind someone’s back without trying to help a friend who really did have an eating disorder.

    Thanks to medication, I gained back the 20 pounds I lost, plus 25 more. I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but suddenly for the first time in my life I am really insecure about my weight. No one else comments, but I see how every part of my body is different now.

    On the other hand, people who are significantly overweight get their own share of whispers. Sometimes if my mom sees someone significantly overweight, she’ll comment and ask me if she looks like that. Fat people are often assumed to be lazy–“it’s their own fault that they don’t eat right and exercise!” My grandma won’t eat at the Hometown Buffet because she doesn’t want to see all the fat people “waddle in.” It seems that, like in other areas, people always judge whatever doesn’t seem “normal” to them.

  5. I only hate you a little bit. (Said with love.)

    Good for you for being so accepting of yourself… I’m getting there, bit by bit.

  6. If it makes you feel better (in a strange way…), I didn’t notice the weight loss.

    You’re absolutely right about the jealousy, though. And I won’t pretend to be innocent. I’ve certainly harbored the green monster. I still do. Because, like you, I don’t see skinny when I look in the mirror. I don’t see me, either though. I see the me from last February– the 35-pounds-heavier me.

    I really wish I could stop seeing myself as pounds, and be able to see me in the mirror. I wish I could stop being envious of people who weigh less than I do, or who wear smaller sizes than I do. How do you do it?

  7. I wish I could see myself as more than just the sum of my parts… I won’t deny that I’m more than a little jealous of women who don’t gain weight just by looking at a piece of chocolate.

    More than that, though, it’s really refreshing to hear from someone who doesn’t obsess about it. So I’m glad that you have a healthy mindset about it.


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