Posted by: LovelyAnomaly | October 29, 2008

Mind the Gap

Growing up sucks.  Ben Folds says so, and I have to think it’s true.

But lately I have been trying to identify the line between a string of crazy emotions and an actual issue such as depression.  And it seems to be a fine line that I’ve been teeter-tottering on for a while now.

I always have the quotation from Breakfast at Tiffany’s on my mind.  The one about the “mean reds”.  The blues are where you’ve had a bad day.  But the mean reds are when you’re afraid and you don’t know why.

I’m sad, but I can’t express why.  It’s a different kind of sadness.  One that I am not sure I can fully handle or understand.  I hate my job, I hate explaining to people why I could possibly hate working at such a wonderful place.  But sticking myself alone in a greenhouse for 8 hours a day was a poor life decision.  I am lonely, I am poor, I am unmotivated, and all sorts of emotional.  I don’t know if I’m just horrible at adjusting to life after college, or if it is something much deeper.  I can’t go to a doctor because I don’t even have health insurance.  I can’t call my friends because my brother uses all of our minutes, and I hate being the responsible sibling.  

This is all really emotional and scary to put online–but I’m doing it.  Not for attention.  Not for comments or site hits.  I am doing it to face my emotions–or lack thereof.  I am doing it to try to get some sort of handle of what has been going on in my mind and heart since May 2008.  I am a wreck.  A void. I used to be a fighter.  But I can’t even muster up the energy to do my dishes–and I actually LIKE doing the dishes.

It would be nice to not feel so alone.  It would be nice to feel like myself.  I’m just sayin’.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. I like the title of your blog, “Joy Can Spring Like a Flower”. I think that’s true, and it is a great metaphor for most joys. Happy times spring up, unpredictable and out of our control. But they also go away in the same fashion, leaving us where we were, or often times even lower than before in comparison. There will always be another flower, though, to pick us back up again. Life is about jumping from flower to flower.

    I say this by no means to diagnose or dismiss your feelings, which are completely legitimate. But there is no need to get depressed about feeling depressed. Once is plenty.

  2. I’ve been there, and I seem to be heading there again. I can’t diagnose you, but it definitely sounds familiar. I am looking forward to some good conversations when you’re back in Champaign again.

    Also, keep in mind that with depression it’s not always an either/or. There can be situational and biochemical causes to depression. So hating your job might be both a cause and an effect of how you’re feeling. I’ve learned that trying to figure out the “why” of any emotion I have is pretty useless; our emotions are so complicated that there’s rarely a linear cause and effect. Of course, that doesn’t make feeling bad any easier.

    If this continues, I can recommend a great doctor in my area, if you have health insurance when you get down here.

    I am totally ready to get ice cream with you, no matter how cold it is! And give you a huge hug. I miss you, my friend.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: