It has been 8 days since the break-up.
And let me first of all say that whoever told you that “being the dumper is easier” can shove it. Because at least when you’re dumped, you have reason to be heartbroken. You can be angry and spiteful towards your ex. You can wallow in self-pity and Ben and Jerry’s and no one will judge you.
But if you’re the jerk who broke up with the guy, you just get to feel like shit. And while you’re feeling like Cruella deVille, you get to hear how torn up your ex-lover is. And isn’t that just super? If you ever start to sound sad or lonely or miserable, all you hear is, “Wait. Didn’t you break up with them in the first place?” You lose the friends that take his side. You lose a big portion of your life that was so important to you in the last year. Supposedly you aren’t allowed to grieve. And it sucks.
How are you supposed to deal with the tears and agony of your ex? How do you tell a person how wonderful and perfect they are–because they really are wonderful and perfect, sincere and caring–and then proceed to rip their heart out? How do you deal with the heart ache when you’re the one who brought it up in the first place? It’s like a horrible puzzle, where no matter how much you wanted the pieces to fit it just doesn’t and you don’t know how to solve it.
It has been eight days since the break-up.
And even though I’m sick and I’ve already gone through an entire box of Kleenex — I finally let myself cry. I cried for the loss of a friend who would listen to every stupid thing I would ever complain about. I cried because I don’t get to wear that obnoxiously large but super comfortable sweatshirt anymore. I cried because I don’t have an inbox filled with random texts throughout the day. I cried over the last 13 months that I spent getting to know someone deeper than anyone else might have ever known him.
And it sucks.
It. just. sucks.