Posted by: LovelyAnomaly | November 1, 2011

Truthful Tuesday: Unbalanced

[Oh, look. An entire month without an update. Bye-bye, October.]

My life feels so unbalanced lately.

Tuesdays and Thursdays I start work at 8am and I’m lucky if I’m home by 7. Tomorrow I’ll be helping out with an extra event and will work from 10am to 8pm. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I start my job at 10am, but I can hardly get myself out of bed to do anything before then.

When I get home, I’m too exhausted to help put away dishes or otherwise clean the apartment. It makes me feel useless at home. And it makes me feel needy, but also controlling. (“I’m tiiiireddd, will you make dinner?”) I don’t like that.

I’m so mentally drained from being around these (amazing) kids that I am too socially exhausted to call friends, respond to emails, or do much more on Facebook other than give a thumbs up to a few status updates. It took me four weeks to finally mail something to a friend. I’m feeling like a really lousy person.

So I go to bed feeling socially exhausted and lousy because I’m not a very good friend. Which turns into me not really wanting to wake up for the next day. Which scares me, because I’ve been down this road, and I remember what The Depression started out as: sleeping too much, not doing my chores which I normally do, and generally not giving a fuck about life because it’s too hard to care about stuff.

This makes it difficult to finish things such as, oh, I don’t know, a wedding website that has been in the works since the beginning of October. I also have fabric and thread for a pillow that’s been waiting for attention since September.

It’s scary, you guys. Because I really love my job. A lot. And I love what I’m doing with these kids. Today, the girl who tends to give me the skunk eye at the after-school program, announced to the entire school class that I should let me help them with homework because I’m nice.

But I miss friends. And I miss motivation. And I don’t know how to really stop this all from sending me into a downward spiral. And, hello, winter is fast on her shitty way, and I’m not prepared for her yet.

This is all very whiny and very “woe is me” and very disorganized thinking. But to shorten it all up: I am happy but very, very sad at the same time and I don’t know what to do.

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Responses

  1. I can relate to the conflicted feelings, I think. Different circumstances, but yeah, it’s been a struggle to stay content and sometimes I feel like I’m just crazy. I’m leery about this winter, too.

    Sorry, I guess I don’t have any really inspirational words, but you’re not alone? Heh. I’ll send up some prayers for you. For reals.

  2. I’m on a Dr.Seuss spiral and it is almost perfect how I randomly clicked your blog right when I posted this quote on my tumblr.
    “Then comes a Yellow Day. And, WHEEEeeeee I am a busy, buzzy bee.
    Gray Day… Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves today.
    Then all of a sudden I’m a circus seal! On my Orange Days that’s how I feel. Then comes a Mixed-Up Day. And WHAM! I don’t know wHo or WHat I am!
    But it all turns out all right, you see. And I go back to being… me.” Dr.Seuss Best

  3. Sending you good vibes!

  4. As a former teacher-intern, I remembered new teachers having to work the schedule you described for the first few years. It was like they had to pay their dues to get “tenure” (in my state, teachers were able to earn that), so they volunteered for everything to make their principal or supervisor happy. One thing I learned from that year I was an intern: if you are totally spent and burned-out, there’s literally nothing left to give.

    My best suggestion is to find a balance where you adjust your expectations for yourself (as I know you have high ones). Sometimes doing “okay enough” is what you need to do, especially when you’re in a position that demands a lot… Good luck! ~~Hitch-hike


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